


Ghosts Are Real And They Tried To Eat My Ass

by Nobodyiscis



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, But whatever, Ghost Evan, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Trans Evan Hansen, Trans Jared Kleinman, Trans Male Character, also evan barely talks, but he hasn't in years, but its there, fast burn, he can talk, he haunts a bathroom, honestly that sound like it'd suck, idk what to write here, jared being trans isn't mentioned, just so you know, really fast, so he's kinda scared to, this is my fiwst work UwU pwease be gentle, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26374903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nobodyiscis/pseuds/Nobodyiscis
Summary: Everyon's heard that the bathroom is haunted by a ghost, and most students believe it - except for Jared, who's also tired of hearing about the ghost. In order to prove it doesn't really exist, he goes to the haunted bathroom, but things don't really go as expected...
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Ghosts Are Real And They Tried To Eat My Ass

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first work here and I'm very excited to post it <3  
> There's a lot of food in this fanfic, so if you are triggered by food, please don't read! there's no smut here, but there are a lot of sexual jokes, because, come on, its fucking jared-  
> thats it! i hope you enjoy my writing!

Everyone knew about the boys’ bathroom.

Of course, there’s one of those in every school, and yes, usually people are aware of its existence - but in this one high school, it was different. you wouldn’t notice any difference if no one had told you about it (or would you?), but there were rumors.

Everyone knew the bathroom was haunted.

They didn’t know too much - only two people have seen the ghost, and they’ve graduated already - but they knew a ghost was definitely there. Or, at least, that’s what the rumors said. There was no real way to know. Nobody has been brave enough to check.  
There were lots of theories about the ghost, too. Nobody seemed to remember how it died. The most common theory was that it was brutally murdered.

Well, Jared Kleinman thought that was all bullshit, and he was starting to get really tired of hearing everyone talk about it.

“Will you stop talking about that already?”  
Michael, his best friend, blinked. “Damn. Didn’t know you were that scared of ghosts”, he said, smirking.  
Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not scared, I’m just really fucking tired of hearing you talk about a stupid ghost that doesn’t even exist.”  
Jeremy, Michael’s boyfriend, finally started talking too. “The ghost is real, Jared. People have seen it-”  
“Jeremy, have you ever maybe thought that those guys were lying?” Jared huffed.  
“They might be, but a student died here, and the school never told anyone besides his parents anything about his death. Doesn’t that sound kinda suspicious?” Jeremy replied.  
“Jesus fuck, you two would believe anything”, Jared sighed.  
“Or you’re just scared”, Michael suggested.  
“WHAT? I-- I’m not scared!” Well, that wasn’t a complete lie, at least.  
“Oh my god, you totally are”, Michael laughed.  
“Shut up, I’m not! There’s nothing to be scared of!” At first it was just a little annoying, but it was starting to be too much. “You know what? There is no ghost and I’m gonna prove it. I’m gonna go there and prove to you that there’s nothing there!”  
The two other boys replied with a loud “oooooooh”.  
“Telling people that you’re gonna go to the bathroom has never sounded more threatening”, Jeremy said. He and Michael started laughing.  
“Dumbasses”, Jared muttered, walking away.  
“Tell us what the ghost looks like when you’re back!” Michael said, waving at him.

Jared started making his way to the bathroom. He was determined to prove that there is nothing strange or unusual there. Nobody would listen to him, of course, but if he really proved it, if he told Michael and Jeremy and they told their friends - maybe, just maybe, people would stop bringing the whole ghost thing up. He kept thinking about it, getting more and more hopeful, and before he knew it, he was standing by the entrance to the bathroom.

He’s heard so much about that stupid thing that he hesitated a bit before taking a step in, but he reminded himself that there is no such thing as ghosts and the whole thing is absolutely ridicolous and he should just walk in and get this thing over with. He took a step in.

...there was something there.

Well, “someone” might be more accurate… Except it didn’t look like a normal someone. Jared knew he was imagining, but if he didn’t know that all that stuff was total bullshit, he could swear he could see right through the thing.

“‘Hello”, Jared said. He’d never admit it, but he was starting to feel a bit uneasy.  
The thing finally noticed him, its eyes widening.  
“Uh, it’s fine”, Jared said. “At least I didn’t catch you doing anything.”

The thing stared at him.

“...uh, are you, like, dressing up as a ghost to scare people? That’s kinda lame”, Jared said - he was trying to sound confident, but his stupid voice just had to shake.

The thing shook its head.  
“Come on.” Jared laughed nervously. “You don’t expect me to believe you’re actually a ghost, do you?”  
It shooks its head again.  
“That is a realistic costume, I’ll give you that.” Jared approached it, ignoring how terrified it looked. “Seriously”, he added. “I could swear my hand could just phase right through-”  
When he said that, he moved his hand.  
“...you.” Now it was Jared’s time to be shocked. His hand went right through the thing.

“What the fuck?”

The thing looked even more scared now.  
“Holy shit, dude. You’re a ghost”, Jared whispered. This wasn’t real, it couldn’t be--  
The ghost turned around. It was mumbling something that sounded like “no no no no no…” before disappearing right into the wall, leaving Jared with more questions.

What the fuck.

\-----

“Jared?”  
Jared blinked. Michael’s hand was repeatedly moving up and down right in front of his face. “Jared? This is, like, the 15th time I’ve had to do this today.”  
“...right”. Jared got back to his lunch.  
“Dude, what’s going on? Yesterday, after you went to that bathroom, I didn’t see you in class, and--”  
Michael looked like he finally understood something. “You saw the ghost, didn’t you?”  
Oh shit.  
On one hand, Jared found something big. On the other hand, if he told Michael, he’d have to go through thousands of “I told you so”’s and hours of listening to alien theories. Jared loved Michael, he did, but when it came to stuff like that, he’d rather just avoid bringing up the topic.  
That made it sound like the best solution would be simply to say that there is no ghost - but if he said that and people heard, they’d start using that bathroom too, and something told him that it wouldn’t exactly appreciate it. What was he-  
“...oh.”  
And just like that, Jared was back in the reality that existed outside of his head. “What’re you ohing about?”

Michael grinned. “You chickened out, didn’t you?”  
...as much as Jared hated to admit it, that was not a bad solution, but he couldn’t just let one of his only friends think he’s a coward. “I didn’t-”  
Michael snickered. “You totally chickened out! I’m not gonna lie, I wanted to know what the ghost was like, but this is so good-- oh my god, I gotta tell Jeremy”, he said, eyes lighting up.

Maybe it’s not so bad to let him think that. He was about to say something in response, but Michael wasn’t there anymore.

Jared sighed. At least he could do what he’s been planning on now. For the second time ever, he went to the haunted bathroom.

“Hey”, he said again. The ghost wasn’t in a place where he could see it this time, but he wanted to try anyway. “Ghost man? You here?”  
No answer. Good thing he had a plan. He took a brown paper bag out of his backpack. “It’s just me. I saw you already.”  
He thought he saw something move in one stall, but maybe he was just imagining. “I didn’t know what ghosts like, and honestly, I have no idea if you can even eat, but like, I brought you cookies.”

One of the stalls had a door that was half open, and now Jared noticed a head peeking at him out of it. The ghost said something - it was very quiet, so quiet Jared could barely hear it, but he did.  
“...c-cookies?”  
Jared rolled his eyes. “So I guessed right.”

...can ghosts blush? Because Jared was pretty sure that its face was a light shade of silver now.

Jared took one cookie out of the bag. “You’re gonna have to come here if you want it, though.”  
“...w-what kind are they?”  
“Oh, you can talk?”  
The ghost nodded. “Doesn’t look like you’re a big fan of that, though.”  
Its gaze dropped down. “Hey, I didn’t mean it as an insult. To answer your question, They’re chocolate chip cookies, and it took me really long to make them, so please don’t run away now.”  
The mention of the cookies being homemade seemed to encourage the ghost a little. It started coming out of its stall. Jared gave it a smile that he hoped was reassuring - the poor thing seemed terrified. All the rumors said the ghost was scary, but it looked much more scared of him than he was scared of it.  
Jared took one cookie out of the paper bag, handing it to the ghost. “I didn’t put any raisins in it, don’t worry.”  
It gave him a tiny shy smile, taking the cookie. So it can be solid. Interesting, especially now that Jared could properly see just how pretty it is.

It took a tiny bite.  
Then another.  
In less than 15 seconds, the cookie just wasn’t there anymore. Impressive. Jared had thought they came out way too big. “Wow. You’re really hungry, aren’t you?”

The ghost nodded slowly, looking embarrassed. “Hey, don’t worry. It’s not your fault. How long haven’t you eaten in?”  
It thought for a second before raising three fingers.  
“Three days?”  
It shook its head. “Weeks? Months?” It shook its head again. “Man, this would’ve been way easier if you could just talk. Years?”  
It nodded.

“Holy shit”, Jared said softly.

The ghost bit its lip. “But, like, it’s not like you need to eat, right? Do you need to eat?”  
It shook its head.  
“But you can still be hungry?”  
It nodded. “That’s weird.”  
It turned around. “Hey, that’s fine. Uh, I was planning to save some of those cookies for myself, but you haven’t eaten in literally years. You take them.” Jared tried to hand the paper bag to the ghost, but it simply shook its head again and pointed at him.  
“You’re worried about me?”  
It nodded. “Don’t be. I have food at home, I’ll be alright.”  
It hesitantly took the bag. Jared smiled. “Do you want me to come bring you more food tomorrow? Don’t worry, it’s not too much work.”  
It nodded. “Okay. See you tomorrow”, Jared said, and the ghost disappeared into the wall again - Jared assumed everything it holds becomes like it, which would explain how its clothes stayed on. 

\-----

The next day, Jared came back. Visiting the ghost became just a part of his normal routine. He couldn’t really bring normal food, so he just bought some stuff - he made sure to get everything from places that he knew had decent food. The ghost probably won’t mind, considering how long it hasn’t eaten in.  
He walked in again. “Ghost man?”  
This time it came out much faster. It was still peeking at him through a stall, but Jared could see it much better than last time, and he didn’t even have to mention the food.  
“Hey”, Jared said, smiling. “I couldn’t really get you normal food, because, y’know, it’d look suspicious if I just walked in a bathroom with a pot of mac and cheese, but I still got you some stuff.”  
The ghost didn’t move, almost as if it was waiting for his approval. “Do you wanna come and take it?” It nodded. “Okay, the come.”  
It started approaching Jared slowly. He chuckled. “You’re really shy, aren’t you?”  
It nodded as its face turned a light shade of silver. “That’s adorable. Here, take your food.”  
It took the bags faster this time - it still hesitated for a bit, but it didn’t take it as long. It gave Jared a grateful look before turning around… Then it noticed that, unlike the other times, Jared wasn’t leaving. It gave him a puzzled look, to which Jared replied with, “I’m not gonna go this time.”  
It didn’t seem to understand, so Jared continued. “I wanna stay here. Get to know you a little.”  
The ghost still tried to back away, but that wasn’t part of Jared’s plan at all. Without thinking too much, he grabbed its hand. It made a tiny “eek-” sound (which was absolutely adorable, by the way), trying to go back.

“Look, I’m not gonna hurt you, okay?” Jared said. “I haven’t even told anyone you’re real. I’ve just never met a ghost before, and you’re like, really pretty, so I wanna get to know you.”

It stopped fighting, a defeated look on its face.

“Thank you”, Jared said - but apparently he was already too used to being sarcastic and pretending to be mad at everyone, because the ghost suddenly looked like it was trying to sort of shrink into itself. “Wait, no. I mean it. Thanks for staying.”  
It nodded.  
“...so. For a start, why don’t you tell me your name?”  
It gave him a look that seemed to ask something like, maybe, why do you care?  
Jared rolled his eyes. “Well, I can’t just keep calling you ghost man.”

“...Evan”, the ghost whispered.

“Excuse me?” Jared wasn’t even sure it had actually said something, but it was worth a try.  
“...m-my name is Evan”, it said. It - or, well, he was louder this time - still very quiet, and his voice was shaking, sure, but now Jared could actually hear.

“Well, hello, Evan”, Jared said, smiling. “It’s very nice to meet you.”  
Evan nodded, obviously trying to avoid looking at Jared.  
“That’s actually a pretty normal name, you know?” Evan looked confused again. “I mean, you’re a ghost, so I guess I kinda expected you to be named something weirder. Oh, I’m not disappointed or anything”, Jared added when he saw how sad Evan looked. “I think it’s a very cute name.”

Evan’s blush deepened, and he nodded again, grateful. He looked at Jared, who just remembered that oh, shit, he wasn’t there to flirt, he wanted to know more about ghosts - specifically this one.

“So how’d you die?”

Evan flinched. Right. Dammit. Jared was trying, really, but he was fucking bad with showing feelings. “Sorry, that was insensitive. You don’t have to answer that.”  
Evan pointed to the ceiling above one stall - the one he’d usually hide in. At first Jared didn’t understand what he was supposed to see, but then he noticed it - a tiny piece of something that looked like old rope was still there.

“Damn”, he said quietly. Amazing, Jared. Truly wonderful. Evan nodded - Jared wasn’t sure he saw right, but he thought there were tears in his eyes.

“...why?”

Evan’s gaze turned to the bathroom floor - another insensitive question. And they say people learn from their mistakes. “Sorry”, Jared says. “I know it’s personal. You don’t have to tell me.”

Evan pointed at Jared’s backpack. “Huh?”  
“...p-pen?” Evan whispered.  
“Oh, you want something to write with?”  
Evan nodded, and Jared pulled a pen and a notebook out of his backpack, handing them to the ghost. Evan took them, nodded gratefully again and started writing. After a short while where he did that, Evan handed the notebook back to Jared. It took him a bit to understand the handwriting - Evan’s hands were shaking so bad even he could see it, but he did make something out of all that.

(I was bullied a lot - like, a lot. It was mainly for being trans, but I was really awkward as a human too, and I think that was another reason. Eventually it became too much, and then this whole thing happened. I guess the reason I became a ghost was because I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. That’s why.)

“Holy shit”, Jared said eloquently. Evan made a little “mmhm” sound.  
“Those people were assholes. Sorry this had to happen to you.”  
Evan took the notebook back. This time it took him less time to write until he turned around the notebook so that Jared could read: (Not your fault.)  
“How old were you when you died?”  
(15.)  
“How long ago?”  
(3 years.)br /> “So you’re 18 now?”  
A nod. “Hey, me too!”  
Yeah, that was definitely some useful information.  
“Hey, by the way, you’ve got a really cute voice. Is there a reason you don’t use it much?  
(Anxiety ☹)  
“Oh.” This time it was Jared’s turn to nod. “Valid.”

…

“So.” Jared was smirking now. “You’re the ghost of a student, haunting the boys’ bathroom. Should I call you, like, moaning Evan?”  
Evan’s eyes widened, which was hilarious considering how big they already were. His face turned silver again, and he shook his head way too fast. Jared laughed. “Relax, dude. I was just joking. Wouldn’t say no to hearing you moan, though.”  
“I, uhm--” Evan made some little uncomfortable sounds.  
“Okay, wow. Sorry. I won’t say stuff like that again.”  
Evan nodded. “Th-thanks.”  
Jared smiled at his voice - he wasn’t lying. It really was cute. “There are rumors about the bathroom being haunted, y’know?” He said. “Everyone thinks you’re really scary.”  
Evan gave him a sad look. Jared continued. “You’re not scary at all, though. You’re actually really cute.”  
“...erm…”  
Jared smirked. Oh, he’s even cuter than he thought. “Really pretty, too. And I’ve only known you for, like, three days, but you’re also really sweet.” He got closer. “I wonder just how sweet you are…”  
“...w-well…”  
Jared cupped Evan’s face, getting it closer to his own.

“Can I kiss you?”

Evan looked like he was screaming internally. He nodded, blushing harder. Adorable.  
“Okay, okay, calm down”, Jared laughed before closing the distance, kissing Evan softly.

...Evan was way warmer than Jared had expected. And his lips were really soft, too, and he somehow still tasted like fucking cookies - ghost anatomy, Jared assumed. Whatever the cause was, Jared wasn’t complaining. It was great, and he wished he could keep doing this for forever - but unlike Evan, he had lungs. He pulled away.

“You’re cute”, Jared said.  
“...w-was it a good kiss?” Evan asked.  
“It was the best.”  
“I, uh, I-I really tried.”  
“Hey!” Jared finally noticed. “You talk now!”  
“...n-not that nervous.”  
Jared nodded. “I see. I’m glad you’re not nervous around me.”  
Evan nodded back. “S-so, um, are we..?”  
Jared grinned. “Boyfriends, yeah.”  
Evan looked sad suddenly. “B-but next year…”  
Jared tilted his head. “What about next year?” Then he remembered, and he could’ve sworn he felt his heart sink. “Oh.”

Evan looked away sadly.

“...I’m gonna need money, you know”, Jared said slowly. Evan looked at him again, confused. “That means I can maybe take a part-time job here as a janitor or something. That way we can stay together.”  
Evan’s eyes lit up, and he hugged Jared tightly. Jared laughed, hugging back. “Seriously, how are you this cute?”

Of course, part of Jared was thinking about what happens after he graduates from college, but for now, he just decided not to think about that. They’ll cross that bridge when they get there.

For now, the two just decided to focus on each other. They’ll find a way.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh im not the happiest with this ending but it was the best thing i could find lmao  
> anyway i hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
